"We'll figure it out"- a good way to start an argument

One of the things I've noticed in working with couples is the difference folks have in how they approach the unknown. Some of us like to have a plan. They think about contingencies. They have lists and backup people. They read. They read a LOT.

Some people don't do much planning. They trust they can handle what comes their way and will adapt should something come up. Their belief in their own abilities overrides any "what if" that might pop into their minds.

Often these two people marry.

The planner will have a hard time hearing "we'll figure it out" because they think what that means is the work will fall on their shoulders. The distress caused by not having a plan is more than they want to deal with. And of course, they want to help their partner have an "easier" life- patterns of one person jumping in to rescue and the other being saved usually come from a very sweet place. After time passes, that just becomes how a couple can operate. Sometimes I'll hear a "rescued" partner downplay the situation because they really weren't worried. That might be because they know their partner will take care of things so they don't have to worry. And sometimes it's because when they rely on themselves, they are capable and confident.

So how to handle this dynamic? I love to encourage my planners to lean into the fact that they usually do figure things out so we don't necessarily need to do it in advance. Often their minds are so fast, they can think out tons of outcomes as their thoughts race. They do make good decisions. Learning to trust ourselves is a key component to a regulated nervous system. The most important thing is the non-worrier has to show up. Don't dismiss the concerns your partner has. "It's not that big of a deal" doesn't make people worry less- it tells them you don't get it. Take the lead more often- even when it feels like your partner may not want to let go. So instead of "we'll figure it out", I suggest more conversations that start with "If I do x,y,z would that ease your mind?", "I see you're worried. Does this remind you of anything that's happened before?", or "I'm happy to take the lead on this if things don't work out".